disaster narrowly averted…

As a rule, I don’t spend the night at CuteFilmNerd’s place during the week.  Mainly because, in my carless state, getting back to my place in time to take care of kitties, change my clothes (I shower at his place) and catch the bus to work is pretty much a pain in the ass and means I have to wake up way too early.  And the times when CuteFilmNerd has driven me home so that I wouldn’t have to wake up so early and take the bus?  Haven’t worked out well timewise anyway.

(We’re both people who have difficulty getting up in the morning – which means, when together, our morning drag time is double what it would be if we were alone.)

However, last night I ended up at his place.  I foresaw a little bit of a hassle in the morning, but I was in the mood to deal with it (sometimes I’m not).  Turns out it was a good thing that I did stay at his place.

At approximately 1:45am I woke from a sound sleep.  I wasn’t sure why, but recently I’ve been going through one of my insomnia phases, so I thought that might be it.  I started to roll over when I realized the ancient box window fan was sounding funnier than usual and there was a strange burning smell in the air.

My reflexes kicked in and before I really knew what was happening I leapt out of bed and rushed to the fan, which was luckily on my side of the bed.  CuteFilmNerd’s voice drowsily drifted from the bed.  “What’s wrong?”

“Something’s burning!” I replied as I followed the electrical cord to the cool plug (which sparked slightly, but not dangerously) and pulled it from the power strip.

That woke him up quick enough as he too leapt out of bed.  “What’s burning?”

“The fan, but it’s off now.”

Our hearts started to slow down as we realized the building was not in danger of burning down.  I padded off to the bathroom and when I returned CuteFilmNerd was sitting at his desk, looking a little stunned, from what I could see sans glasses.  He thanked me several times as we settled back into bed.

I think what happened was that the motor that turned the blades on the fan broke, but there was still something moving within the motor, so there was friction happening that created the burning smell.  To my sleepy nose, the smell reminded me of ozone, but with a burnt edge to it.  I haven’t looked at the fan since, nor do I think CuteFilmNerd has (he was more or less asleep when I left this morning), but I would be interested in inspecting it, just to see what happened.

Still, it’s a good thing I was there this morning, as CuteFilmNerd tends to sleep more deeply than I do.  It’s also a good thing that I’m going through my insomniac period right now, because if I weren’t, even I might not have awakened in time.


still alive…

Honest, I am. It’s just life’s been rather busy since I became the Answer to Life, the Universe and Everything. And in preparation of that momentous occasion, my body decided to reject all toxins, which caused my sinuses and lungs to become congested and my voice to temporarily vacate the premises.

In other words, I turned 42 years old a week and a half ago, I got sick right before my birthday and lost my voice for a few days (it’s still a bit rough, over a week after I got it back). And I’ve been busy. And traveling to Indio for a “Girls Weekend” away and Phoenix for a friend’s wedding. And upping my sci-fi geek cred by finally seeing Soylent Green and Westworld (Slaughterhouse Five and Fahrenheit 451 are on the ticket for tomorrow night), as well as seeing tons more movies. And spending lots of time with CuteFilmNerd when I have been in town and missing him terribly when I haven’t. And falling in love. And…

Oh yeah, guess what? CuteFilmNerd and I have told each other that we love each other. It was scary as hell to admit, because 1) last guy that I loved kinda dumped me, even though I know now that it was for the best, for many reasons, and 2) the last time that I said, “I love you,” for the first time to a guy, I went and had my first major anxiety attack, even though I didn’t know what it was at the time. Truth to tell, there’s still a part of me that’s terrified. I think that part’s going to be there for at least a little while longer, because that’s just the way I roll, dawg. When those words first crossed my mind, I looked them over – actually tore them apart and put them back together repeatedly – for a while to make sure that I wasn’t transferring feelings from HSTeacher to CuteFilmNerd. Then, once I was sure that wasn’t the case, it took me awhile to actually utter the words. Every time I tried they caught in my throat because I was terrified that CuteFilmNerd wouldn’t return the sentiment or would say that he just couldn’t go there. It’s happened with previous boyfriends, so it certainly wasn’t outside the realm of possibility, especially considering we’ve each been dealing with our own little issues.

But I finally spit out the words, “I love you,” as we held one another in bed one weekday morning (with some prefacing words, of course), and he responded that he loved me too, pulling me close and holding me even tighter. And we’ve said those words multiple times since then, so this lovely relationship is still continuing apace, despite the occasional bump in the road that our respective issues and illnesses (I gave him my cold, unfortunately) have thrown up in our way. And look, Ma, no anxiety attacks!

Things are good. Busy and occasionally frustrating, but good. And I have the feeling they’ll just get better.

Leap of Faith - Post Secret

world of confusion…

…that’s where I’m living right now. I can’t remember the last time I was so conflicted in my life. Even when my family did its little implody-thing a few years back, there was a clear side to be on. There was a right side and a wrong side. Now… There is no right and there is no wrong. There aren’t even really sides here. There are differences that may or may not be insurmountable. And I can’t figure it out. One minute I think that, with hard work, differences can be bridged in some way, perhaps with an objective opinion. The next minute, I think there’s no way that the differences can be bridged. Which feels like a sucker punch to the gut, which leads me right back to, “Maybe compromises can be found.” Which causes me to spin and spin and spin, because I keep thinking that I’ve found the end of the trail, when it’s really just my own tail I’m chasing.

Too much confusion and no resolution makes Carol a sad and tired girl.


The never-before-linked-here but ever lovely bstewart23 recently wrote most awesome entry regarding things to try in the new year. I strongly recommend that y’all read it.

I gotta say, I’m very happy that 2008 is here. While 2007 started out most fantastically, somewhere around half way through, sucking commenced. Most of it was financial, some of it was relationship and friendship related, some of it was health related and some of it was old depressive ghosts coming back to haunt.

Over the last four months I’ve had a lot of spinning around in place because I’ve been so mentally overwhelmed by issues that I didn’t know what to do next. And I’m battling things that leave me utterly perplexed about their outcomes, because I’m not the only person involved in resolving these problems, yet I may have to force resolutions at some point. I’m not very good at handling uncertainty and uncertainty is all there is for the foreseeable future. By association I’ve become a puppet in someone else’s sociopathic games, which infuriates me because the person who is direct line of this sociopath’s actions certainly doesn’t deserve it, but there doesn’t seem to be anything concrete I can do to help. And I sure as hell don’t deserve it either.

It doesn’t help that this past holiday season has made my top five list of Worst Holiday Seasons Ever. I would probably put it at #2, actually (2002 still holds the #1 spot, for the sheer family fuckery of the entire year). I’ve felt as if I were an afterthought to some of those close to me, both of the family and not-family variety. I don’t handle that well either.

And I’m just very tired of financial scrambling – no matter how hard I try to get back on my feet, I can’t seem to quite get there.

I’m just tired. Tired of eyes filled with tears. Tired of the pain. Because right now, my heart hurts. My mind hurts. My soul hurts.

Here’s hoping the tai chi I’m starting today can help with some of that.

And here’s hoping that 2008 will get better. Because I’m going to try hard with a vengence.

update: 4:57pm pdt

We’re still hanging in there. It’s been a long and exhausting day. We managed to get out of the building and into a HumVee about three hours ago, thanks to HSTeacher. I don’t know how he got it or where he learned to drive one – he’s not inclined to say more than necessary right now, but I’m so ecstatic to see him, for many reasons. Still, it’s the first time I’ve ever been happy to see a Hummer on the streets of Los Angeles. He managed to grab some weapons, too. The man is just incredible. And another first for me: I’m glad that I’ve handled guns in the past. I was never very good, but they just might come in handy.

We’ve made it to a more secure area, about forty-five minutes away. Well, most of us. One of the secretaries was snatched by her former boss as we dashed out the back door. I started towards them, but HSTeacher grabbed me and pulled me stumbling back to the HumVee. The smart thing to do, I know, but it doesn’t make losing our compatriot any easier. So now we’re down to three, plus my honey and his kids. He was able to get them before heading out to find me. He’s not saying how. I get the feeling he’s seen worse things than I have, but now is not the time talk about it.

It’s amazing that we can get a wi-fi signal here, intermittent though it may be. My trusty iBook is proving to be a life saver, possibly in the literal sense.

We’ve fortified the small building we’re in and are all sitting with guns and crowbars and the like. We also have all the food and water I had hoarded before. I think we’ll be okay for a while.

i was wrong…

I don’t know what I was thinking. I’d been preparing for this for months, knowing deep down that this day would come. I guess I thought I’d be safe here, amongst those for whom science is a calling. I thought they’d have the resources to beat off the hordes, to keep us safe.

I was wrong.

I should have known the hordes would head here early in the game.

Game? If only. No rules, no time outs. The only game here is winner takes all. I think the hordes are going to be the winners.

Science isn’t helping. Too many tempting big juicy brains around. No doubt succulent to those who feast upon gray matter for sustenance.

And now they’re gone. The guards went first, in the dead (ha!) of night. The hordes took the poor deer to keep them “alive” until morning, when the scientists and engineers started showing up for work. Poor guys never had a chance, never saw them coming until it was too late. 28 Days was right – those suckers move fast. And they’re a lot less brain-dead than I anticipated. Which is why it all happened so fast.

All I know is that, when I showed up for work, bodies were strewn about. There was no way I could head home – I didn’t have the time. So I ran for my building and locked myself inside. I’m not even sure how I made it – the rush of adrenaline blurs all.

And now I crouch here with other administrative assistants, trying to stay calm, or at least appear calm. All the big brained scientists and engineers are gone, either eaten or turned themselves. We hope we’re not next, but there is the unspoken belief hanging in the air – we don’t have much longer. We listen to webcasted news reports, realizing that, in a matter of hours, this horror has spread across the country and, possibly, around the world. We’ve tried to call out, but office lines are down and cell reception is spotty. I don’t know how my honey is doing, because I haven’t been able to get hold of him. I’m horribly worried about him, and all of my loved ones. I don’t know what to do.

I wish I had been stockpiling weapons for the last few months. I didn’t know if I could get away with it, so I didn’t try. But I’ve got a good stockpile of food and water that I’ve been hiding, so the four of us should be fine for a while. As long as we can keep locked up in this building, that is.

Oh G-d, what was that? I hear pounding that wasn’t there before! And now screeching! Oh please, no! I’ve got to go, but I hope that this record makes its way out until the living world. I pray that there still is a living world…