they’ve found us out…

xkcd has discovered the awful truth of CuteFilmNerd and myself:

We do have obnoxiously cute nicknames for each other, even though I’m not much of a nickname person. He started it! Though, oddly enough, I don’t mind all that much.

However, I don’t think there would be any blood on the body of anyone unfortunate enough to overhear us. Because they’d die from a diabetic coma first. Which would be inconvenient, because body burying? Is damned hard work.

Not that I know from personal experience…

international human rights day

Today is International Human Rights Day. If you believe in human and civil rights for ALL people, do what you can to invalidate Prop. 8. Or else talented folks are going to keep making fun of you:

http://player.ordienetworks.com/flash/fodplayer.swf

Also today:

It’s an interesting concept, and I see what the organizers are trying to accomplish, but after reading bstewart’s take on Day Without A Gay, I opted to go into work today, because I happen to agree with him. I will still not purchase anything today, and I am researching volunteer work for this weekend (my lack of car is a bit of a detriment for volunteering anywhere in the city in the evenings).  I will also be participating in Light Up the Night for Equality on December 20th.

Also, I’m wearing my white marriage equality bracelet (which I wear nearly every day as it is) and I’ve put together a little poster for work (which is easily seen by anyone who walks by my cubicle):

As you can see, CuteFilmNerd thinks it’s important for people to see my display.  Because we are both ardent believers in equality for ALL humans.

schmoopy thoughts…

Last night, as I lie in bed next to CuteFilmNerd, the Large Hadron Collider crossed my mind and I remembered that it was going online today, probably before I woke up. With all the talk of black holes forming and the world ending, I turned over and peered at the peacefully sleeping face of CuteFilmNerd and thought to myself, “Well, I seriously doubt we’re going to be sucked into a black hole, but if we are, this is a pretty good last sight on earth.” Then I snuggled closer and fell asleep.

six months ago…

…life was took a turn. And what a turn it was.

I was newly single after an eighteen month relationship broke apart. I was still sad, but looking out from under my rock to see what else was out there. In the looking I noticed the online profile of a handsome man whose words betrayed humor, intelligence and a politically lefty slant. So I wrote him a joke related to one of his jokes. I didn’t sign my name, because, though I think I’m rather pretty and quite sexy in my own Rubenesque way, I honestly thought he was out of my league and that I’d never hear back.

He replied that evening, calling me nameless charmer and asking me to drop him a line. So the next day I did. And four days later we met for our first date – a wonderful first date that was followed by a second date the next evening and more dates that week, all equally as wonderful.

That wonderful first date? Was six months ago today.

It’s true that these past six months have been filled with ups and downs here and there. We’ve each been going through our own brands of crap while trying to help each other make it through. But the truth of the matter is that I love CuteFilmNerd with all my heart and am very happy that we’re together and that we’ve made it this far.  And while nothing in life comes with a guarantee, I’m doing my best to make sure that we make it two, three, one hundred times as far.  And I know that he’s doing the same.  Because he loves me too.

Happy Six Month Anniversary, CuteFilmNerd. Thank you for a lovely, fabulous and eventful half-a-year. I love you.

happy birthday…

…to CuteFilmNerd. He has now joined me in being the Answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything. And in tribute to this auspicious occasion, a few YouTube videos of a couple of his favorite movies:

THE ADVENTURES OF BUCKAROO BANZAI and TIME AFTER TIME, two movies we bonded over in our early emails:

CuteFilmNerd is a lover of movies in general (hence my nickname for him on this blog), but he especially loves cult movies such as CARNIVAL OF SOULS

…as well as PIRANHA:

I love you, honey. Have a fantastic birthday!

stepping lightly…

…round the internets these days, as CuteFilmNerd and I will be seeing The Dark Knight this weekend and I really don’t want to be spoiled for anything. I’ve heard mostly all good things about it, which is all I need to know. But man, I am excited. Whee! Plus we’ll be checking out a Monty Python double feature (Holy Grail and Life of Brian, neither of which I’ve seen on the big screen), so I’m going to be a pleased lil’ film goer this weekend. Whee!

As for other stuff, well, I’ve not written a whole hell of a lot recently, but that’s because a whole hell of a lot hasn’t been happening. Things are pretty status quo in my neck of the woods. Still working at JPL and loving it, still working on getting my financial situation under control. CuteFilmNerd and I are still chugging along, loving each other while trying to work through our respective issues, especially as we seem to be at that point in our relationship where we’re discovering what each other’s sensitive points are. And as I seem to have turned into an over-sensitive girl who gets annoyed/pissed off/pouty all too easily, I end up making CuteFilmNerd feeling like a bad boyfriend when, in truth, he’s a pretty good boyfriend and I’m happy he’s in my life. So I do what I can to make up for it and he accepts my attempts. It’s not endearing by any stretch of the imagination, I realize that, but we’re working on it.

Life isn’t perfect, since we both come with our fair share of baggage and, truth to tell, we probably met at exactly the wrong time for both of us. But we’ve been together for over four months now, still definitely in love, not to mention just liking the hell out of each other because each of us thinks the other is a pretty cool human being. So we’re going to continue to work on our relationship as best as we can. Because we really, really want to be together.

So that’s about it in my life.

run on insulin…

…that’s what’s gonna happen once y’all look at these photos of CuteFilmNerd and myself from my belated birthday party this past Saturday (taken by MusicianMan). Don’t say I didn’t warn you…

I think I need to go to the dentist now…

still alive…

Honest, I am. It’s just life’s been rather busy since I became the Answer to Life, the Universe and Everything. And in preparation of that momentous occasion, my body decided to reject all toxins, which caused my sinuses and lungs to become congested and my voice to temporarily vacate the premises.

In other words, I turned 42 years old a week and a half ago, I got sick right before my birthday and lost my voice for a few days (it’s still a bit rough, over a week after I got it back). And I’ve been busy. And traveling to Indio for a “Girls Weekend” away and Phoenix for a friend’s wedding. And upping my sci-fi geek cred by finally seeing Soylent Green and Westworld (Slaughterhouse Five and Fahrenheit 451 are on the ticket for tomorrow night), as well as seeing tons more movies. And spending lots of time with CuteFilmNerd when I have been in town and missing him terribly when I haven’t. And falling in love. And…

Oh yeah, guess what? CuteFilmNerd and I have told each other that we love each other. It was scary as hell to admit, because 1) last guy that I loved kinda dumped me, even though I know now that it was for the best, for many reasons, and 2) the last time that I said, “I love you,” for the first time to a guy, I went and had my first major anxiety attack, even though I didn’t know what it was at the time. Truth to tell, there’s still a part of me that’s terrified. I think that part’s going to be there for at least a little while longer, because that’s just the way I roll, dawg. When those words first crossed my mind, I looked them over – actually tore them apart and put them back together repeatedly – for a while to make sure that I wasn’t transferring feelings from HSTeacher to CuteFilmNerd. Then, once I was sure that wasn’t the case, it took me awhile to actually utter the words. Every time I tried they caught in my throat because I was terrified that CuteFilmNerd wouldn’t return the sentiment or would say that he just couldn’t go there. It’s happened with previous boyfriends, so it certainly wasn’t outside the realm of possibility, especially considering we’ve each been dealing with our own little issues.

But I finally spit out the words, “I love you,” as we held one another in bed one weekday morning (with some prefacing words, of course), and he responded that he loved me too, pulling me close and holding me even tighter. And we’ve said those words multiple times since then, so this lovely relationship is still continuing apace, despite the occasional bump in the road that our respective issues and illnesses (I gave him my cold, unfortunately) have thrown up in our way. And look, Ma, no anxiety attacks!

Things are good. Busy and occasionally frustrating, but good. And I have the feeling they’ll just get better.

Leap of Faith - Post Secret

ugh…

Over the last week and a half, I’ve been going back to my old online matchmaking haunts and changing my status back to Single, adding this caveat on them: I’m newly single after an 18 month relationship. I’m not yet ready to dive into the dating pool, but I might think about checking it out from the deck for the moment. The site where I met HSTeacher I include that I met my former boyfriend there (and I’m starting to think that I should leave that site, as I can see his freshly changed profile and he can see mine – let’s just say that he doesn’t have the same caveat, though so far he just says he’s looking for fun. I guess things are different when you’re the break-upper, huh?  And I guess maybe we didn’t have all that much fun.). And the thought that rises above the others?

Ugh. I can’t believe I’m going to have to go through this crap again.

I thought I was done with dating. I thought I had finally found the right guy for me and no longer had to put myself in that shark pool again. It appears that I was wrong, in so many ways. And the thought of wading back in fills me with dread.

It doesn’t help that it’s still hard for me. That, while I’m no longer crying every day, I still feel a little stabby-stabby in the chest and I never know when I’ll be overcome with a case of the weepies.

(Just a couple of moments ago, for instance, as I started this entry.)

I’ve never been one who really enjoyed dating. I didn’t really date – in the commonly accepted perception of the word – until my early 30s. Until then I had either already known the men with whom I fell into relationships or, in one special case, met at a mutual friend’s Halloween party, went on a couple of dates and boom – six month relationship. I’m still good friends with that guy.

After FG (I can’t really call him The Ex any more, now that I have a more recent ex) left me, and after I picked up and glued together most of the pieces from that shattered dream, I dated off and on over the course of nine years. In some cases I dated one guy for about a month before one of us realized it wasn’t working out. Once I dated two guys simultaneously for a month. And then there was that whole CuteNerdBoy debacle, where we briefly dated in 1997-1998, not to mention the few months in 2003 that I wasn’t sure if we were dating or not because I wasn’t getting clear signals from him. And while the dating and the occasional one night stand were fun, neither are something I’m crazy about doing again.

Mind you, that’s not the primary reason I wish that HSTeacher and I hadn’t split up. I really do love him and, as I wrote earlier, thought I had finally found The Guy.

But the whole dating thing? Right now, I’m just thinking…ugh.

crap…

You know what really sucks?

(Aside from the whole, “My boyfriend broke up with me and I’m all heart-broken and shit,” part, that is.)

That I’m in the mood to write and all I can think of to write about is the breakup and my feelings. A big part of me doesn’t want to do that because, well, how long can a girl go to that writing well? A long time, which I’m well aware of, but I don’t know that I want to. At least not publicly. Because I’m someone who hates to cry in public and that’s what writing non-stop about the break-up would amount to for me.

It’s weird being back at work, though (I was off work yesterday). My cube-mate knows about the break-up, but no one else does. My world has hit a major snag in its rotating, but a person wouldn’t know that from seeing me at work. Oh, there would be clues, of course: taking down his photos from my cubicle walls; the fact that I’m a little quieter than usual, though I am still joking a little bit when talking with others. But, as is the case and should be the case, the rest of the world is spinning the way it always has. I’m feeling a weird disconnect right now. I know I’ll get back in line with the world at some point, and I know it’ll be awhile before that happens, but I’m still not liking this disconnection.

I do want to say, however, that my friends are once again proving themselves to be the most kick-ass friends in the universe. Thanks, guys, I love you all.