That’s what I’m feeling like these days. I seem to be going through one of my little depressions again. Nothing terribly bad, but for months I’ve done little besides work, hang out with CuteFilmNerd and, on increasingly rare occasions, meet with friends. I haven’t been passionate about working in politics, although I still keep up on what’s going on and I still get angry about the injustices of the world and of this country. I’m finding myself disconnected from groups I used to be tight with. The closest I’ve come lately is the online connection I have with the good folks of the UCF, which is fine and fun and all, and I’m very grateful for their presence in my life, but I’ve been pulling away from everything and everyone else in my life. The only people I really see are my co-workers, my roommate and, of course, CuteFilmNerd.
This isn’t good for me. I know it isn’t. When I withdraw like this my mind goes into a cycle that makes the depression worse and there are days where it takes all of my willpower to keep me from folding in on myself. I reach out to CuteFilmNerd, who helps when he can, but I find myself grasping onto him too tight, which isn’t good for him either, or for us, especially when he’s got issues of his own that he’s dealing with and that I’m trying to help with when I can. We’re going through a bit of a rough patch at the moment, which makes me grasp at him even harder and makes my jealousy rear its ugly green head. Again – not good for either of us or the relationship. So I’m trying to back off a little bit, to calm myself a bit, but my G-d, it’s hard to not hold on as tight as I can.
I feel like I’m always on the edge of tears. It really doesn’t take much for them to brim up. I used to be so stoic – the calm, cool and collected one. Those days have been gone for a long time and most of the time I welcome my emotions, but times like this I wish I had some of that reserve again. I miss it and I don’t know how to get it back. There are times I don’t even recognize myself any longer.
What is worst of all – I feel like I’ve lost my creativity. I carry a notebook with me where-ever I go, but I never pull it out of my messenger bag. I read books and magazines and newspapers, listen to music and podcasts, watch a veritable plethora of films, but I just don’t feel like creating new things. The closest I get to being creative is taking photos. At least that’s something, right? But I just feel stifled in so many other regards. I don’t even feel like writing here most of the time, which is why I post photos and have my Twitter feed set to automatically generate a post from that week’s tweets. At least then there’s something on this piece of real estate other than rusting hulks of posts.
I hate to say it, but I think getting a new apartment would be helpful for me. My roommate is a good guy, but we have very different ideas about cleanliness and neatness. Due to the sheer volume of stuff in the apartment, I feel like I live in a cave. Most of it isn’t my stuff. I haven’t felt like I had a home since I moved from my old neighborhood. I can’t stand the neighborhood I live in. Living in my current apartment has taught me that my living space and my neighborhood has got to feel completely comfortable and inviting for me to be energized for anything in life, including my relationship and my creativity. Since it looks likely that I’ll have a car before too much time has passed, that will be incredibly helpful in finding a place in a neighborhood that feels like home. I have ideas of where I’d like to live and it looks like I’ll be able to afford an apartment in the neighborhoods I’m interested in, so I’ll keeping my eyes open there.
Things have to change. I have to change. I can’t stand the way I feel and I need to find the energy to make the changes in my life to make me feel better. Because I just can’t feel adrift any longer.