Honest, I am. It’s just life’s been rather busy since I became the Answer to Life, the Universe and Everything. And in preparation of that momentous occasion, my body decided to reject all toxins, which caused my sinuses and lungs to become congested and my voice to temporarily vacate the premises.
In other words, I turned 42 years old a week and a half ago, I got sick right before my birthday and lost my voice for a few days (it’s still a bit rough, over a week after I got it back). And I’ve been busy. And traveling to Indio for a “Girls Weekend” away and Phoenix for a friend’s wedding. And upping my sci-fi geek cred by finally seeing Soylent Green and Westworld (Slaughterhouse Five and Fahrenheit 451 are on the ticket for tomorrow night), as well as seeing tons more movies. And spending lots of time with CuteFilmNerd when I have been in town and missing him terribly when I haven’t. And falling in love. And…
Oh yeah, guess what? CuteFilmNerd and I have told each other that we love each other. It was scary as hell to admit, because 1) last guy that I loved kinda dumped me, even though I know now that it was for the best, for many reasons, and 2) the last time that I said, “I love you,” for the first time to a guy, I went and had my first major anxiety attack, even though I didn’t know what it was at the time. Truth to tell, there’s still a part of me that’s terrified. I think that part’s going to be there for at least a little while longer, because that’s just the way I roll, dawg. When those words first crossed my mind, I looked them over – actually tore them apart and put them back together repeatedly – for a while to make sure that I wasn’t transferring feelings from HSTeacher to CuteFilmNerd. Then, once I was sure that wasn’t the case, it took me awhile to actually utter the words. Every time I tried they caught in my throat because I was terrified that CuteFilmNerd wouldn’t return the sentiment or would say that he just couldn’t go there. It’s happened with previous boyfriends, so it certainly wasn’t outside the realm of possibility, especially considering we’ve each been dealing with our own little issues.
But I finally spit out the words, “I love you,” as we held one another in bed one weekday morning (with some prefacing words, of course), and he responded that he loved me too, pulling me close and holding me even tighter. And we’ve said those words multiple times since then, so this lovely relationship is still continuing apace, despite the occasional bump in the road that our respective issues and illnesses (I gave him my cold, unfortunately) have thrown up in our way. And look, Ma, no anxiety attacks!