Over the last week and a half, I’ve been going back to my old online matchmaking haunts and changing my status back to Single, adding this caveat on them: I’m newly single after an 18 month relationship. I’m not yet ready to dive into the dating pool, but I might think about checking it out from the deck for the moment. The site where I met HSTeacher I include that I met my former boyfriend there (and I’m starting to think that I should leave that site, as I can see his freshly changed profile and he can see mine – let’s just say that he doesn’t have the same caveat, though so far he just says he’s looking for fun. I guess things are different when you’re the break-upper, huh?  And I guess maybe we didn’t have all that much fun.). And the thought that rises above the others?

Ugh. I can’t believe I’m going to have to go through this crap again.

I thought I was done with dating. I thought I had finally found the right guy for me and no longer had to put myself in that shark pool again. It appears that I was wrong, in so many ways. And the thought of wading back in fills me with dread.

It doesn’t help that it’s still hard for me. That, while I’m no longer crying every day, I still feel a little stabby-stabby in the chest and I never know when I’ll be overcome with a case of the weepies.

(Just a couple of moments ago, for instance, as I started this entry.)

I’ve never been one who really enjoyed dating. I didn’t really date – in the commonly accepted perception of the word – until my early 30s. Until then I had either already known the men with whom I fell into relationships or, in one special case, met at a mutual friend’s Halloween party, went on a couple of dates and boom – six month relationship. I’m still good friends with that guy.

After FG (I can’t really call him The Ex any more, now that I have a more recent ex) left me, and after I picked up and glued together most of the pieces from that shattered dream, I dated off and on over the course of nine years. In some cases I dated one guy for about a month before one of us realized it wasn’t working out. Once I dated two guys simultaneously for a month. And then there was that whole CuteNerdBoy debacle, where we briefly dated in 1997-1998, not to mention the few months in 2003 that I wasn’t sure if we were dating or not because I wasn’t getting clear signals from him. And while the dating and the occasional one night stand were fun, neither are something I’m crazy about doing again.

Mind you, that’s not the primary reason I wish that HSTeacher and I hadn’t split up. I really do love him and, as I wrote earlier, thought I had finally found The Guy.

But the whole dating thing? Right now, I’m just thinking…ugh.

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  1. I’ve been absent from your blog for a while, so have to catch up. I’m sad you’re in this place – this place sucks. Eggs. Truly.

    But you are a strong, gorgeous, ordinary goddess, and you will prevail. Seriously.


  2. Thank you, CamSavWin. It’s really appreciated.

    While the anger part of the grieving phase is showing its colors these days, I have to say, HSTeacher is still responsive about some things, even if he seems clueless about the reason for my anger. I again read that bit about the fun and fired off an email at 1am on Saturday morning saying how hurt and angry I was in no uncertain terms (sending emails that early always means I’m going to be very emotional). He got defensive in his return email, but removed the offending bits. He really didn’t have to, but it’s appreciated, nonetheless.


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