not enough…

We did the best we could to work it out, but in the end it wasn’t enough. We talked about seeing a counselor to help us find an alternative that neither one of us was seeing, but we never got that far.

There are no bad guys in this scenario, except for the sociopath that he’s still legally married to, despite the years-long separation and his attempts to break loose without alienating his kids. He’s involved in a huge, huge mess that, by its very nature, intruded into our relationship. He’s tried to do the best he could, but it’s not enough.

Initially we thought that our differences could be bridged, but we were wrong.

He still wants to be friends, but I don’t know yet if I can do that. The feelings are still too raw. My heart still feels all too freshly pulverized. Tears fall without warning. My voice cracks and I can’t speak.

Things were leaning in this direction for several months, but that doesn’t mean it hurts any less. That doesn’t mean that I don’t still long for his touch, that on some level I don’t wish it were still yesterday, when he was still holding me and stroking my hair as I sobbed in his arms. Because at least then I was still with him.

The anger and harsh words, the stress and the pain over the last few months have been tough, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t still love him.

He says he loves me too. I believe him. But in the end…

…it’s not enough.

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